“I knew I would hate my best memory because it would prove that people could fake love or that love could end or worst of all, love was not powerful enough to change a life.” — Mona Simpson
“All that we see or seem is but a dream within a dream.” — Edgar Allan Poe
I’ve been dreaming a lot lately. And usually I can’t remember the dreams, not like I once used to. Now, I just wake with this feeling of loss, loss of the dreams, loss of someone important in the dreams, and I don’t know what else, just loss.
They are just dreams, though. In my waking hours, I hardly give them much thought. And, though they seem to weigh so heavily upon me when I wake up, when I grab hold to the pieces of remembered scenes or images from the night before, they all seem so silly. Like the dream I had of Cameron, my six-year-old, walking around asking about paper clips. When none of us would tell him where the paper clips were, he walked Downtown looking for some. I couldn’t find him. And, I don’t know if he ever found the paper clips. Then last night I was trying to buy something in a store in another city. I was on vacation with this man I’ve never seen before. He was standing outside the store. He was hungry. That’s all I remember. Silly, right? Yeah, I think so too.
So, I don’t know if it’s my dreams ( I have been having a lot lately, and remembering none of them) or if my muse just wanted to communicate with me, but the following poem came to me today as I was driving. I got down as much as I could remember, though I still feel like I missed something. Kinda like those dreams I’ve been having lately. It’s there, but out of my grasp. So, I just have to let it go until it comes back.
An ex-lover brushed
past me today, our eyes
locked and she touched
my arm, held me close once
more with her words. She
told me she was sorry. And I
shook her free once more. Her words
haunted me though, for I
wondered why she apologized.
Was it for the many nights we
sat up talking till we could see the sun
rise? Or the coming nights that we
wouldn’t spend together anymore?
did she apologize for the many promises
she’d made to love me forever or
for that one time she told me she loved me
no more? I
should have told her she didn’t need
to feel bad and there was no need to
apologize cause I learned that love is
a flimsy apparition hiding under children’s
beds, a monster to be ignored…when long ago
my daddy shook the mud off his boots and
used those muddy-less boots to walk away from
me. Whenever I’d see him out somewhere, he
never did apologize to me or never said he was
sorry. In fact, he never said a thing. So, she
didn’t have to say it either. The evaporation of
love has never surprised me. Sometimes you
look under the bed and it’s just not there.
And you just have to go on, knowing one day
it might return. So, no disappearing love
doesn’t surprise me anymore. Now, if she’d
stayed here beside me that would have
surprised me. And maybe then I’d be the one
Happy writing, reading, and creating.
Peace & Love,