Crying Out My Eyes For You

My tears have always come from emotions
I was too afraid to feel.
I ran from pain that chased me
for one entire lifetime. There were those who
wanted to break apart the world I carry inside me,
to abort the life growing in me. Then you appeared.
No, I didn’t find you. But you were there. One day.
My twin soul. It’s like you never even went away.
And now I know that it’s possible to exist
even when the heart stops beating. An emotional beating,
creating death for a damaged soul. But it was a death
that couldn’t be helped. I fell in love too soon
when I should’ve waited for Love to come
and lift me up.

My tears always used to chase my pain
until I found my twin soul again.
Now my tears soak the pages of a love that
didn’t need to be found. It was there all along.
Written on the cosmos of possibility
so we’d never forget to look up toward the stars
where we’d find our names written
against the dark, black, inky sky.

I never craved pain even when I
donned the cloak of inevitability,
was trying desperately not to let go
of what was killing me
piece by piece, destroying me.
I learned how to catch my tears on
the tip of my tongue, pretending
that pain was etched alongside every white line
of the blueprint for my soul evolution.
I cannot pretend anymore when
I finally know it’s safe to throw away the key
and not have to run away anymore.
Finally, I’m safe
in the warm blanket of your love.
Wrapped up in dreams that
don’t strangle & choke me
but that allow me to grow.
For you, with you, and through loving you.

I’ve been crying out my eyes for you
and it’s all because I’m in love with you.

Peace & Love,

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

The Most Important Conversation

Today’s poem came to me as an image. One of a mother standing next to a coffin that has her daughter’s body inside. The mother is weighed down by the grief of losing her daughter, a beautiful young lady. The mother’s soul is crying out in anguish because, in that moment, she realizes she taught her daughter all the wrong things about love. It gets harder and harder for her to stand up straight because she’s weighed down by the knowledge that it’s too late; her Angel is gone and she’s not coming back. So, their souls have this one last conversation, the one they should have had while the daughter was alive.

I offered my once Angel
some words of remorse today.
My silent plea: please forgive me.
After twenty-six years of suffering,
she couldn’t look at me anymore.
She wasn’t able to look into my eyes
and see how I’m suffering
now that I can’t look into her eyes and see
the whole of the world unfolding.
I should have seen the need for an apology
before today. Because when I finally
apologized today, I knew
my apology had come much too late.

Is he here mommy?
Can you tell him, for me,
that I still love him?
That I’m still willing
to fight for our love.

Oh, baby, I’m so sorry.
Sorry I never told you
that the one who truly loves you
won’t ever want to hurt you.
He’ll be drawn to you
and the special light you
A light he never wants to dim.

But mommy, he said he loves me.
Sometimes I just make him angry.

Be careful, my Angel, of the ones who
want to dim your inner light
because, for them, you shine too bright.
Every light we see does not illuminate
the path we should take. Sometimes
lust and loneliness pull us onto a path,
one covered with brambles and branches
of a false love and we get tangled all up, trying
to hold on to so many different types of love.
Loves that, in the end, never really were.

Oh mommy, I’m so sorry.
I never wanted to make you cry.
Don’t cry mommy. He said he loves me.
And I believe him.

I should’ve taught you how to protect your love,
to secure your love like you do all valuables.
To keep it locked away where it could be protected
until you found the one who was worth accepting it.
I should’ve told you that just because someone desires you,
doesn’t mean they value you. And you’d never try to spend
counterfeit money so why’d I teach you
to accept counterfeit love?

He said he loves me, mommy.

I’m sorry I never told you
that sometimes it’s better to walk away,
to just let go and walk away.
If you’re walking down the street
and something catches your eye, you stop.
But you don’t have to stay, especially when you see
it never really was what you thought it could be.
Why did I allow you to believe
that finding an old Canadian coin covered in dirt
could produce riches for you? Why didn’t I teach you
that giving away your love should’ve been easy
and would have been easy with the person who chose to
fall in love with your soul?

Oh mommy, why’d I have to die
to finally know he never loved me?

And why did I never warn you baby
about the kind of love that kills,
the love that destroys you because you
aren’t what they need, you’re just what they want?

Peace & Love,

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Shattered Glass

Been extremely busy lately. I swear I’ve spread myself too thin this semester, but I shall not complain. I’ve been working on my novel, Micah’s Falls, trying to get it completed by December. That combined with all the other things I’m doing has left little time for poetry, but always I come back to my first love because isn’t that the way it always is? Anywho, here’s a little something that flowed from my pen today:

Glass shatters
in the palms of my hands.
Leaving behind scars
of a broken & shattered life.
My birthmark
was a trail of blood.
So somebody should’ve known.

Peace & Love,

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Albatross Around My Neck

Loving you is just too damn heavy.
I’ve been dragging around
the albatross of your love,
trying to hold my head up,
trying to keep my head up,
without letting go. Hoarding your love
like some people hold onto things
they’ve grown accustomed
to having around. Like shoes I can
no longer wear and books I no longer
want to read, I’m keeping your love around
just because it’s familiar to me.

I keep dragging the black garbage bag
filled with your love
through rooms in the house,
a house that should have long ago
been abandoned.

An albatross is not a gift
for showing off to friends,
though some would be jealous to find
that their albatross looks nothing like mine.
So I hide it beneath layers of
insecure phrases, words.
At the end of the day
it’s only words that I have.

I keep looking into
your hooded eyes, searching
for a place to hide.
But the unwieldy weight of
what has become of loving you
keeps me from being able to fit
in the small places you provide
for me.

My head & my heart
have grown heavy
‘cuz your love keeps dragging me
down. Loving you is like killing
one      cut      at      a       time.
It’s like trying to float
while being w
ted down.

Loving you, it seems, has very little
to do with love after all.
And that’s why I keep falling
under the heavy weight of the
tied around my neck,
even though
it’s choking the life out of me.
And here we both stand
congratulating me
for surviving the death defying feat
of loving you while struggling to breathe.

And even when you learned how to breathe
for me, when you could breathe for me,
you chose not to.

And now, because of you
the mere thought of love
conjures images of drowning,
being caught in the undertow
of flesh & desires
trying to find a way to move away
so I can final breathe
& take your diamond-encrusted albatross
from around my weak neck.

Peace & Love,

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Drowning in Blood

When I’m sad, I cry. I always have cried when something was hurting my heart. It was one of those things about me that used to aggravate my mother. She used to tell me, “You need to learn to leave your feelings underneath your bed.” I never learned to leave my feelings underneath my bed.

This isn’t an explanation for today’s poem; it’s just a fact about me. Something I thought about as I was re-reading this poem I wrote at three a.m.:

“Your tears bore me,” you say.
And your words slice me open,
find places not before touched.
And when you’re done cutting me
with your unkind words & careless deeds,
I slice what’s left of me
until I’m swimming in a pool of my own blood.
And no longer able to see:
my own worth.
You’ve conditioned me
to want to feel nothing but pain
& now I’m the one harming me.
But you’ll never know it
because I wear sweaters to shield me
from the cold of this world &
to keep you from really knowing me.

Peace & Love,

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Invisible Me

How can I be so invisible
that you can’t see me
even when you’re staring at me?
How does your gaze slice through
me, like a blade
tearing up my soul
leaving nothing where I used to be?

How can I be close to you
you refuse to see me, choose to
unsee me?
Surely you used to be able to see me.
At least that’s how it used to feel
when you’d touch me &
talk to me.
Then one day
it was like you couldn’t see me
no matter how hard I tried to be seen
you started walking all over me
and through me,
making tracks through my soul
where only I could see.

My eyes are mirrors
you’ve covered
with old bed sheets.
Did you think averting your eyes
would render me to invisibility?

I’m not invisible and only forgotten.
I’ve tripped and fallen down
the rabbit hole
into the lowest levels of Dante’s inferno
where nobody can ever save me.

Peace & Love,

fires of hell

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , | 1 Comment

Washing Greens with Grandma

When I was washing my greens today for dinner, I started picturing a grandmother washing greens with her granddaughter. The daydream took me further with the grandmother and her granddaughter and I saw the elderly woman trying to teach her granddaughter a lesson through the simple acting of washing greens. The message she wanted to get across was that love is easy with the right person. In this time of playing games, and pretending to be someone you’re not to get what you want, she wanted to let her know of the true value of real love.
When I first started composing the poem in my head, I thought I’d focus on the dirt and sand that settles at the bottom of the bowl when you’re cleaning greens. I was going to focus on how so many people settle for the love that’s right there when in actuality that’s the love they should throw out. But I didn’t want to do that poem. I wanted, instead, to focus on two people who truly value each other. Two people who truly love each other. Two people who are there for each other because they want to be with each other. “Just because someone loves you, doesn’t mean they value you.” And in that statement is the world of difference between what some people settle for and what some people fight for. No, fight is the wrong word, because there’s no fight involved with the person who loves you simply because they love you. No, that’s the love you live for. Yeah, I like that better.

Every Saturday afternoon
I’d stand with grandma
in the kitchen to help as she
prepared Sunday evening dinner.
Sunday dinner always included
a pot of greens taken straight
from her garden. After she’d
plucked away all the stems, she’d
call me to come help clean ‘em.
Four hands would hold the pot,
swishing around the hot water
to get rid of all the dirt. Once
grandma shoved the greens
to the side of the pot and showed
me the bottom, & I saw the sand
at the bottom.
That’s why we need four hands,
she told me and smiled. I thought about this,
knowing there was always wisdom
hidden in grandma’s words. I knew
there were times when grandma
didn’t have me to help & I knew
she must have to clean the greens alone.
So I asked about this. Grandma just smiled
again and said ‘hold still girl’
cuz it was my turn to keep the greens
from falling from the pot & into the sink.
I held still not wanting to feel the
smooth, round coolness of the
cooking spoon against my butt.
My mind kept whirling though
wondering why I had to be the one
to help keep the greens from falling.
Why did grandma want my help
doing what could easily be done
by one?

Later that day, I saw grandma
on her knees in her garden. She was
pulling out weeds and discarding them.
Every time she pulled one out,
she’d hand it to grandpa
who was right there beside her.
After pulling out the weeds
grandma and grandpa watered
the garden. After dinner that night
grandma washed the dishes &
grandpa dried them. Whenever
he’d look at her, grandma smiled
& touched him on his chin. And then
they’d share a kiss. This was a surprise
to me because after all these years,
I’d think they’d be tired of one another
but later when I asked grandpa,
he told me how grandmother
was his very best friend. “I don’t know
what I’d do without her. She’s
the reason I wake up every morning
& my reason for smiling. And I crave
the touch of her hand as much as I
crave air to breathe.” But grandpa,
I asked, “Don’t you ever get tired
of being so close to her all the time?”
And grandpa just smiled & said
“Loving your grandma is the greatest
gift I’ve ever had. She looks at me
like I’m pure magic & the greatest
thing I’ve ever done is being able to love
her every single day and sharing the magic
of my love.”

Peace &Love,

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Mid-South Book Festival 2015

I always thought I was taking steps forward, chasing my dreams despite my fears. Then an opportunity came up to be a part of the Mid-South Book Festival, which took place today. I almost didn’t do it. My fears were so large, I didn’t even know I was fearful. I rarely shy away from honesty and I won’t now. I was afraid that no one would support me, that all the close friends and family who encourage me would be nowhere to be found. I was afraid that people would pick up my books, but put them back down.
It had become enough to be able to say that “The books aren’t selling as well as I’d like them to, but the people who have read them have always had very positive things to say.” And these weren’t people who were related to me in any way. These were complete strangers, people from as far away as the UK. I could tell myself I was headed in the right direction. I was on my path.
But today, I faced my fears. I looked my fear in the eyes and moved forward despite it. As someone told me yesterday, fear is nothing but a little baby rat with a bullhorn walking around screaming all the things you’re afraid to face. When you take the bullhorn away, you realize you have something so small, you can just step on it. Well, I stepped on it and I’m glad I did. Today, I made connections I never would have made from the safety of the shadows of my fears. I found out that people will support me not only in words, but they showed up. And I feel truly blessed.

I faced my fears and I’m glad I did. Now when I say every day do something that scares you because that’s how you know you’re headed the right way, finally, I’m speaking from experience.
I would like to thank everyone –and I do mean EVERYONE—who supported me today. Looking forward to April 2016. Big things are coming! But if I’d continued to hide behind my fears, I would still be standing stagnant, talking about what I want without doing anything to get it.

Book fest pic 1 book fest pic 2 book fest pic 3 book fest pic 4

Peace & Love,

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Childhood Games

The realization hit me
I’d say like a ton of bricks
but that’s too cliché
so I’ll just say it this way:
I keep chasing tomorrow,
trying to find ways to fill up today,
playing games I used to play
when I was just a little girl.
I’m not a little girl anymore
but I still find myself playing
catch and release, racing back
and forth, trying to discover me.
Finding myself buried in places
that never have suited me.
Trying to play the childish game
of freeze tag, discovering that
once you freeze some things
they cannot be unfrozen.
Like love, trust, truth, loyalty—
can’t keep standing there yelling
to friends to come unfreeze me
when all of my friends are busy
trying to walk away from yesterday,
trying to choose today &
forget about tomorrow.

Peace & Love,

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Rebellious Love

Why does the act of loving you
feel like a rebellious act of
not loving me or learning to
unlove me? Is it because of
the undeniable truth that
love & indifference
are fraternal twins or is it
because love & hate
are distant cousins
who like to visit once a year
and when they do, there’s
no denying they’re related.
Stop trying to convince me
that love isn’t the opposite of
hate when I know
the difference between
choosing to exist in a love that
no longer loves me &
choosing to walk away, to freedom
from a rebellious love
that teaches me how to unlove me.
All family isn’t blood &
all love isn’t meant for me.

Peace & Love,

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment