Words are important because they allow us to tell stories. And stories are important because they reveal our legacies, our wishes, our dreams, our thoughts, and our visions for the world. I love telling stories. So, here’s my story for today:
Yesterday, my beautiful daughter Jasmine finished painting the cover for my CD case. My spoken word compilation CD was one of those things I planned to complete this year. It’s also one of those things that somehow got overshadowed this year. Seeing that beautiful cover inspired me and I got back to work last night.
Blues of a Love Junkie. I am, of course, the love junkie. I love love. I love being in love. I desire feeling loved. Trying to find love has been the cause of many of my bad decisions in life. When I was a little girl, I didn’t feel loved. By anyone. My dad was doing his thing and that didn’t include being a father to me or my brother. My mother, the original love junkie, was busy trying to get over losing my dad and was, herself, trying to find love. Not being able to find love made her unhappy. She was so unhappy, in fact, that I asked her one day weren’t we enough to make her happy. She replied honestly that, no, we were not enough to make her happy. And my little brothers, well, they were little brothers. So, I became a love junkie. I wanted so desperately to feel loved. But what really does a teenage girl know about finding love, right? I found everything but love. I entered my first abusive relationship at 14. This was followed by a series of stupid decisions in the name of love. I did stupid things in the name of trying to feel loved and never once did I feel loved. At 18, I married the man who spent half of the 12-13 years we were married abusing me. (I’m working on my memoir and it will detail how I survived that marriage, but most importantly how I was able to make it on my own as a single mother. Also, what I learned from that experience about myself and about relationships.)
My parting words to my husband: “I’m going to find someone to love me for me and someone who values me.” Insert big LOL here. That didn’t happen. What did happen was that I learned to love me and I focused all my energy on my career and my children.
Blues aren’t all bad, right. So, I don’t have all bad stories to tell. I have some good ones. So, on the compilation CD there are poems about my good and, not bad, but learning experiences. Mostly, what I’ve learned though is to wait. I’ve learned that it’s possible to find the love of your life, but sometimes we become so impatient in our waiting that we end up in relation-shits that we fight tooth and nail to keep because it can take several years to realize that you are in a relation-shit. On the other hand, it usually takes very little time to realize that you are in the right relationship.
A couple of the poems that will be on my CD are already on SoundCloud. I’ve shared a few on here. I have a couple of weeks left in school and when school is out, I’m going to get to work re-recording and perfecting those. In the meantime, I’ve started working on the title poem for the soundtrack. A line came to me the other day as I was riding in the car and I knew it needed to go into the poem: A band-aid never takes the place of skin. It conceals the pain, keeps it within…” I’ve been a band-aid before. I’m sure I’m not the only one. The thing about band-aids, though, we don’t keep those. Once they’ve served their purpose, we throw them away. After I wrote that line down, another came to me, then I realized these lines will work well within a stanza I wrote a year ago. So, yeah, it’s coming together.
So, there you have it, Blues of a Love Junkie. Just remember, the blues are necessary to appreciate the good. So, don’t be bitter about learning experiences. Stay open to experiencing the good. Because it’ll come and when it does, you don’t want to be obligated to a relation-shit.
So, here’s an excerpt from one of the poems that will be on the CD:
Brother man thought he was slick with hiz pick-up
line. The brother walked right up to me and
committed the ultimate no-no deed. He
fingered the kinky locks of my ‘fro like I was
some Korean hair store ho. He asked if I
was looking for my Superman, I said no.
He said, girl, you know you need saving and
wearing a steely gaze, I tried to put him in
his place, told him he needed to
step out my face ‘cuz where he was headed,
he was going alone. The notes he was playing
with those slick ass words could never complement
my song. Blues of a love junkie, a junkie for love.
Peace & Love,
* Note: I’m still working on the piece above, but it’s looking like it’ll be the title track on the CD. If you’d like to check out some of my other spoken word pieces, visit my SoundCloud page : https://soundcloud.com/rosalind-guy/tracks.
Here are links to two of my favorites:
What is Black Power?: https://soundcloud.com/rosalind-guy/what-is-black-power
My Black King: https://soundcloud.com/rosalind-guy/my-black-king