Today is one of those days when I’m just sure that God is sitting somewhere shaking Her head at me.
I’m the type of person who always tells people how short life is and how not to allow fear to keep them from living their dreams, or chasing their dreams. Then today, I was mad. I mean seeing bolts of lightning mad. I’d just left the teacher’s lounge where I was having this internal conversation about how I’m not finding enough time to write. I am tired of feeling like my life is spent working a job to encourage other people to follow their dreams when my own dreams seem to be sitting outside in the car, idling, just waiting for me to come get in and drive them to our destination. Better yet, I’m the one that’s idling and the dreams are in the house waiting for me to tell them I’m ready.
I’ll be the first person to say that we all have a passion, a desire that was implanted in us that should drive our life’s purpose. I’ve always known my passion is writing. I have stacks upon stacks of notebooks at the house as a testament to the fact — some have unfinished ideas and some are still waiting for ideas. I have a tote bag that I carry everywhere with me with a short story that needs revising and a novel in progress, neither of which I can ever seem to find time to work on. I wake from my sleep in the middle of the night and write an entire chapter without having to think about it. Characters wake me in the middle of the night so I can tell their story. I’m the woman who balances a notebook on the steering wheel so I can write while trying to drive. I spent the entire day this past Sunday sitting at Starbucks working on my WIP and it felt good. But still I feel like I’m giving my life over to something else. Before I had a conversation with one of the officers in my school today, I didn’t think it was fear. Now I do.
So, this person who hardly ever talks to me, stops me to ask about my book that I’ve written. I tell him that I’ve actually written three. And we start to talk about promoting ourselves as independent artists. I tell him that my goal is to connect with either an agent or traditional publishing house so that I can stop teaching and spend every day writing. And that’s when he mentions fear. He says that God didn’t give us a spirit of fear and that She wouldn’t place a deep yearning within me if she didn’t intend it to be my life’s purpose. He said fear is keeping me, like other people who feel similarly, from stepping out on faith and doing the thing that wakes me in the middle of the night, the thing that has had me mad for the past couple of days. Mad because I’m so exhausted all I can do is sit on the bed and collapse. Mad because at this rate, it’ll be another eight months at least before I can find some real time to write.
While the officer didn’t accuse me of being fearful in so many words, his words allowed me to come to the realization.
So, why is God shaking Her head at me? Because this isn’t the first time I’ve heard advice about pursuing my passion. It’s something I tell people regularly. I tell people all the time that I don’t want to spend my entire life putting my passion and blessing on hold and never get to the tomorrow when I’ll actually have time to follow my dreams. I thought I was working toward fulfilling my dreams because when I have time, I do write. But when I teach two college classes and more than 150 high school students, time is scarce. I wholeheartedly believe that we should spend our lives fulfilling our life’s purpose and I feel that it’s intrinsically tied up in the passion that drives us every day. So, why do I feel like I’m just sitting in the driveway, idling, biding time waiting for a tomorrow that will never come?
Peace & Love,