I wasn’t going to write this post. Even after I was lying in bed last night and it came to me as if though from a tape recorder machine. I’d simply written it in my notebook and put it out of my mind. Sort of. Not really. But I wasn’t going to write this post.
A writer’s thoughts. Sometimes it feels more like a meandering passage down a dark tunnel where I have no idea what lie ahead. My thoughts. My actions. My path. Sometimes I just simply don’t know where I’m headed. Sometimes instead of the writer’s meandering thoughts, it’s the line of a poem. This blog. A place for public discourse, albeit sometimes one-sided, about the many paths I have traveled, currently travel, and will travel as a writer. The discoveries I make throughout the journey.
Yesterday I had an ‘aha’ moment for my writer self. And then, in conversation today it was re-confirmed. Saturday is a writing day for me. That is absolutely non-negotiable. But, yesterday was also the day I had an appointment to take the GRE. I’m preparing to go back to school to get my doctorate degree in English. I need more English hours to teach college composition and creative writing, so I thought, “Why not go for the degree?” Yesterday, my allergies were acting up. And I was physically and mentally tired. But Saturday is my writing day. My body and mind know this.
After testing though, I was lying across the bed, too tired to fall asleep and I began to wonder if it was worth it, all the things I try to squeeze into a day, into a week. I started calculating in my head: taking classes (for the next phase in my life), writing (which I can’t not do), teaching at the college level, teaching at the high school level, being able to help and engage with my son, etc. Maybe I shouldn’t go back to school, I could just wait until…yeah, I don’t know when. But I was ready to settle in my comfort zone because, well, it’s comfortable there. I’m unhappy here, but I’ve been here for seven years. Being a teacher is how I make my living. Theoretically, I could continue on until retirement years and then…then what? Maybe it will be the right time then. See how easy it is to settle for what we’re used to instead of working toward going where we want to be? I know I continue to be unhappy if I turned away from those things that my soul yearns for.
I don’t know how I will get everything done in the next year or year and a half. But I will. And that was my ‘aha’ moment again. I can’t turn away from what I love.
So, today, my friend asked me what if I’d ended up in a more ideal teaching situation? That’s not it. Teaching was never my passion. I do love it. I love the relationships I build with kids. I love when I see students finally “get it.” But I obviously had a purpose here and being in a more ideal situation won’t make me feel any less like it’s time to move on? Or maybe it would and that would be a bad thing. It would mean many nights lying in bed wondering why I’m not happy and I don’t want that.
So, maybe I need to take a break from writing. It’s not just a good time. I admit it was tempting. I came so close. But I imagined writing as the love of my life. If I walk away from him, he might not be there when I come back. The words might not flow so easily. The fire might not burn so bright. When I realized the time will never be perfect and I have to just do it anyway because it is what I love. I value my writing too much to put it on a shelf so that I can devote my time to something I no longer have passion for. Because in actuality, if I can talk myself out of it now, then I’ll be able to do it again. And I may never return to my writing or when I do return my passion may have bled itself dry. I don’t want to walk away. I want to satisfy my soul. And I can only satisfy my soul by continuing to go after what I love and value.
Peace & Love,